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The Lover's Curse of Memory

By Al Link

The curse of memory is that memory robs us of being in the moment. We remember the last time we saw something and we see it as we remember it, rather than as it is NOW. We remember how something tasted, and we taste it now as we remember it was. We do the same with all the senses. We hear what we remember having heard before. We smell what we have always smelled. We feel what we felt before. We don't walk up the stairs NOW, we walk up the same stairs we have walked up hundreds or thousands of times before without any awareness of what we are doing. We touch our lover's body from memory. It is not real skin, it is the skin we remember touching hundreds or thousands of times before. And we get bored with our memory. And we hate to be bored. And we want something new. Variety, something new, reawakens our senses. If we touch new skin, we pay attention in a way that makes us aware we are alive. If we smell new pheromones, our nose confirms that we are alive with excitement and arousal. If we taste new wine, our mouth awakens to exhilaration.

The only way most people know how to feel alive is through variety. They have no other strategy to employ. Being in the NOW MOMENT is something you may conclude just happens to you now and again, almost by accident. You may even assume it only happens when you try something for the very first time, or for those exceptional things that are so outstanding and excellent that they can repeatedly transform you into high states of being, for example a favorite selection of music, or intercourse with someone new for say the first 103 times! After that it is memory again and time to move on to someone new! Variety is the spice of life!

But once you learn to consciously, intentionally, deliberately stay in the moment, each moment is unique and new and "as if" for the very fist time. In the NOW MOMENT, no matter how many times you have touched, tasted, smelled or seen your lovers skin, it is still as if it were the very first time! One of the tricks to staying in the now moment, is to become aware of how you are running on memory instead of being here now. Running on memory is just like running on empty. That is why it cannot sustain excitement, motivation and passion. There is just not enough juice in memory to keep you going.

Memory is quick to fill in the blanks, or complete the thought, or complete the sensory impression, before the whole has been received and integrated into experience. For example, at the first smell of a familiar body odor, our memory quickly supplies the remainder before the whole of the smell has been registered in our sensory experience. It may remind you of a series of memories associated with that smell when you were a child or at some earlier time in your life. You may find yourself feeling emotions that were associated with that smell. It is this attachment of emotions from memory that makes so much of what we take in with our five senses (hearing, taste, smell, touch, and seeing) positive or negative, good or bad. One thing reminds us of another thing, and before you are aware of it you are off in thought about the past or the future, out of the NOW MOMENT.

But if you really pay attention, you can train yourself to take in information through your senses "as if" for the very first time. When you do this, it is always new, always fresh, always "enough" because you are being in the NOW MOMENT. Confirm for yourself with repeated observations that when you are in the NOW MOMENT you are complete, you are whole, nothing is missing, nothing more needs to be added. Variety is not the spice of life, being here now is!

Here is an incredibly easy but powerfully effective way to rapidly improve the quality of your experience during lovemaking, by helping you get out of memory and get into the Now Moment. With this simple technique, we call the dial technique, men can learn to delay ejaculation, women can learn to have multiple orgasms, you can overcome feelings of embarrassment, shame and guilt, win over fear, worry and boredom, you can keep passion and excitement alive in your relationship forever, and you can have lots more fun with your lover.

Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) is a process of figuring out exactly how your brain does what it does, and then articulating that process in a technique or strategy that you or others can use to accomplish the same end result. Since your brain creates some experiences that are positive and other experiences that are negative, you can use NLP to stop doing what you don't want and start doing more of what you do want. For example, if you know how you make yourself bored during lovemaking, you can stop doing that. If you know how you make yourself excited during lovemaking, you can do more of that.

A key to NLP is the realization that states of being, states of consciousness, and feeling states are not things that just happen to you accidentally, i.e., you are not just a victim of the circumstances of your life. With the dial technique you can create a master control panel that displays all the buttons you need to orchestrate your lovemaking into a masterpiece of creativity, joy and ecstasy.

Success with Tantra lovemaking requires that you go out of your mind and get into your body. This means getting out of thought and into sensation.

One form thought takes is memory. Memory is very useful for lots of things, but during lovemaking it can also be a problem. You must learn to differentiate between what kind of memory is helpful and what kind is not helpful. Your body remembering how to do things, for example - keeping internal smooth muscles relaxed during peaks of sexual arousal, is very helpful, because this kind of memory does not mimic thought. But if your memory mimics thought it will put you into your head and keep you out of your body. One of the most pernicious types of memory is the memory of your lover's body, or the memory of how lovemaking has previously progressed step-by-step, as a pattern that you then repeat over and over.

The problem with this type of memory is that you may find yourself making love to a memory rather than a real person, even though that real person is right in bed with you. This naturally leads to very unsatisfying lovemaking and gets boring very quickly. You may find yourself feeling and thinking, "every time we make love is just like every other time we make love". Pretty soon, your lovemaking drops off to almost nothing - no fun, no excitement, no passion, nothing new, and perhaps eventually little or no lovemaking at all, or one or both of you seeks refreshment in an affair.

Sensation refers to the information that comes to you through your senses - sight, sound, smell, taste, feeling (kinesthetic feelings such as heat/pressure, wet/dry, or hot/cold, not emotional feelings such as joy or fear). Great Tantric lovers have learned how to filter out memory (go out of their minds) and how to turn up the intensity of sensation (get into their bodies).

Here is a technique that lovers can use to help them go out of their minds and get into their bodies. It is the dial technique. You can find all sorts of interesting variations for using this technique in other areas of your life besides lovemaking. This technique is very simple to use. To apply this technique you simply create in your imagination one dial for whatever you want to diminish and/or another dial for whatever you want to increase.

In your imagination, create one dial that controls your memory (the kind of memory that mimics thought, e.g., remembering how something was the last time you did it), and create another dial that controls sensation. Make the dials different colors, for example the memory dial can be blue (symbolic of thought) and the sensation dial can be red (symbolic for the body). Any colors that feel right for you will work. These are your dials after all. You can also put textures, and other personalized touches to your dials. For example you could cover them with pieces of cloth that you are fond of. You can make the buttons different sizes if you want. For example you might want the sensation dial (or the things you want to increase in intensity) really big and the memory dial (or the things you want to decrease in intensity) really small.

During your lovemaking, find the dials in your imagination and turn the dial for memory way down in intensity, strength, volume, or voltage to nothing at all. At the same time turn the sensation dial way up in intensity, strength, volume, or voltage to a very high level - a level that you are comfortable with. Turning the dials up or down simply means, in your imagination see your hand actually grab the button and turn it. You could also visualize a pointer on a dial screen increasing or decreasing, or the lights on a digital light meter, such as the indicators of a stereo signal on an amplifier, increasing or decreasing as you turn the button. Use any aid to visualization that works for you to show increase or decrease in intensity.

It is important that you don't rush to the maximum intensity of sensation. You don't want to be frightened or feel overwhelmed if such feelings are new for you. Gradually increase the intensity of sensation during successive sessions of lovemaking. Once you have learned to do this you will no longer need to rely on using your buttons. The dial technique is only necessary until you have learned to decrease or eliminate what you don't want and increase what you do want in your lovemaking. After that, this process becomes automatic and your lovemaking is permanently transformed.

Be creative in your use of this technique. Here are a few other suggestions for using the dial technique during lovemaking.

Here are some examples of buttons you might want to create and then turn down the intensity. These buttons could include any aspect of your lovemaking that you are unhappy with:

fear, quick male ejaculation response, worry, guilt, shame, embarrassment

Here are some examples of buttons you might want to create and then turn up the intensity. These buttons could include any skill, knowledge or feeling that you want to be more present in your lovemaking.

Love, general relaxation response, internal smooth muscle relaxation, female orgasm response, female ejaculation orgasm response, joy, fun, playfulness, creativity, comfort

Examples of buttons you might want to turn up if you want more or down if you want less: danger, excitement (sometimes too much is too much), vulnerability, and so forth.

If you create a lot of buttons be aware of getting yourself confused. It may be wise to use only a few buttons at a time. You might also record the buttons on paper. Draw pictures of the buttons and clearly label them so later you can remember which buttons are for which experiences. Drawing the buttons can also help you more easily visualize them in your imagination. You could also add numbers to the buttons. You could have red1, red2, etc.

Once you have learned how to use this technique, and your lovemaking has been successfully transformed, you will find that every time you make love is like the first time! You will feel that thrill, that excitement, that anticipation, that longing for your lover that you felt the first time you made love with them. In fact it is the first time, because you are not invoking thought/memory to compare it with. This is delightful indeed, and is one of the secrets to staying in love and keeping passion alive in a relationship that lasts a lifetime. This is a key skill necessary to enable you to create love year after year with the same person. This is one important way to keep a monogamous committed relationship hot, sexy, juicy and exciting - indefinitely! Do you use the dial technique? Don't you wish every lover did?

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